Fractured

It wasn’t…

Someone is drilling in front of my house. Loudly, making all other sounds fairly irrelevant. I walked to the market a while ago, as if in a dream… I walk softly you can’t hear my steps. I wish i didn’t leave a trace. I walked up the hill as if in a dream, perfectly unconscious, mechanical…I walked like i’m not even here.  I’ve been arranging cards on the table – in patterns, in shapes, in forms… I arranged them all over the table, without any meaning. I just try to not think. I sent a million messages – the verdict still the same. I know it’s humiliating in a way, but I always feared one thing the most… That I’ll wake up some day and regret, and think what if I did this that or whatever else. So i sent them. He remained by his decision. But at least i tried. I really did. I called him, he didn’t pick up, i sent messages to which he never replied, i apologised and apologised again. I told him I love you but he said nothing i ever did was right.

Once we learn to speak we learn to fear.

Everything forgotten. Over a sentence, oh yes, not a nice sentence, but his wasn’t either. I am sure his friends will be horrified by me, as much as mine would be by him. But it doesn’t change anything. It shouldn’t. It should only be about us. But since there’s no us, it’s ok to speak of friends…and others. i don’t even have words to say. I won’t send him any messages – I told him so. Not because I don’t want to, but because it’s superfluous. He won’t change his mind – one sentence deleted all the good I did. Just like that.

Our anniversary was supposed to be on 18 June. I think I’ll be royally wasted that day. I still haven’t talked to my friends. i can’t talk to them. I keep getting messages about whether I’m alive. I’m not exactly. I am somewhere in between. Maybe it sounds overly dramatic. maybe it is overly dramatic. But i don’t talk of hard science, of reason and what not…It feels like a piece of me died. And if it feels this way, then drama is not the right word. I really need time to… I don’t know…pick up the pieces?

I play The Torture Detachment all the time. It’s my favorite song. Think of me as an inanimate matter. Yes, that’s quite accurate, given the circumstances. I can’t reply any of the concerned messages. I can’t even reply the ones that I know i should. I just can’t. That’s pathetic, but I can’t do anything about it. I wish i could talk to someone, drink a giant amount of alcohol and just talk. Talk forever. But I can’t. They are all in happy relationships, and will dismiss him immediately. I don’t want them to. i actually, to be perfectly honest, don’t know what I want them to do. I just know they’d spit on him, and i can’t bear that. I don’t want them to spit on him, because I love him still, and if they do, i’ll feel even worse than i feel now.

What foolishness, what strength…

Yearn for me as i’ve yearned for you.

There’s never a method in this particular madness. I just want to fix it, still. That’s maybe the most tragic of all things. That i would instantly reply if my cellphone lit up with his message. I know, don’t judge me, I know it’s pathetic. But you can’t dictate your heart. Believe me, I tried. I can’t tell myself – okay, enough is enough, now forget. I can’t forget, and to be honest, I am not even sure I want to. Love is above else. It’s the way I’m wired. I just value it more than normal people do. And to think… Everything fell apart over a sentence.

People forgave each other worse things. My father ran away from my mom although he knew she was pregnant with me. He ran away, and left her starving in Zagreb…me included. He ran away and left her living with a stranger in complete poverty. He left her living there and he left me too. But she forgave him. i forgave him too. But he won’t forgive me…one rushed sentence. It doesn’t make him a bad person in my opinion. It just…I wonder whether he loved me at all. Because if he did…I don’t know, maybe he wouldn’t put his hurt before me and end it all just now. i know I wouldn’t. Maybe i am abnormal. He would certainly say so.

I haven’t eaten anything all day. And i sip Paulaner like it’s the end of days. It doesn’t matter today. I won’t send him a message again. I am only worried about the card for his birthday that will – for i still haven’t found a way to stop mail – arrive at his address. It’s bizarre now, that it should. I think he’ll be very mad at me over it, because it’ll be ironic now. I would ask him not to open it, but i won’t. because i am almost certain he won’t open it anyway. I wish I could talk to someone, someone not hideously happy in their relationship, someone there on my msn that would just listen and tell me nothing. Just listen. I miss Erik. he always listened. But he’s long gone too. Just like everyone else. And i blame me. For the only thing that all these, very different people have in common is I. And they all find me insupportable after a while. I wish to get drunk with someone, someone who won’t spit on him, someone who won’t tell me ugly words about him thinking they’re all i want to hear…someone who likes The Torture Detachment. I wish…

I wish I never happened. It sounds melodramatic and what not, I am aware. But i wish I never happened. i wasn’t planned after all.

I always do nothing but damage.

Nobody I know likes this song. That’s also sad to know. It describes things so well. But there’s no way in this particular freedom. Not now. I didn’t want it, and i, quite frankly, don’t have any idea what to do with it.

I wish i could fix it. Somehow.

But i fail in everything. Always. Although, on the surface, I never seem to do so.

And we do. Sometimes everything blends into one thing, one word, one movement, one feeling. Sometimes, I wake up just like today – with no words to tell, no smiles to fake, no touches to bear, nothing…empty room, empty flat, empty building, empty city, empty country, empty world, empty universe. Sometimes I feel like a person trapped inside the empty glass cubicle, watching some other world unfold before my eyes, while knowing perfectly mine doesn’t.

I wish I had a memory of a goldfish. And i would forget everything, almost the moment it happened. Make me believe that I never wanted any more than this. Why did I even… Listen, I can’t explain it well enough. How in the name of heaven, i managed to zoom right out of the patterned sequence of my everydays to find you a place inside my life? how did it occur to me to let this get out of hand…this much. For surely, from the very first day, the things that could possibly go wrong greatly surpassed the ones that could not. I knew chances are slim for this to work out for the best, but somehow, somewhen I decided to give it a shot.

I lived so long according to what everyone wanted – I was always within the confines of the life my then-friends, my parents, my colleagues thought I should have. I fell into places that were designated for me. Never complained, never thought or wanted anything other than that. i was… well not exactly happy, but stable in a bubble of my life. I could have a life everyone would approve of. And i chose not to. Just because I saw in you what I didn’t see in anyone else. Don’t ask me why, how or when. It just happens. You can’t pick who you’ll love, and who’ll love you back. It doesn’t happen this way. I wish it did. I wish there was some sort of a match made in heaven – you know, you wake up next to someone and just know this is the right person for you, and you’re the right person for him/her, and there’s nothing that can possibly go wrong. I never liked love novels or movies. I firmly believed that nothing is perfect just because fate directs it to be so – i believed that people never match, people never end up having a really great relationship just like that, that everyone has to work on it, every day, every hour, every single moment.I believed you were worth the bother. It wasn’t perfect, but it was promising. And i knew we could make it. I could picture myself with you in years to come. And that is more than i ever felt with anyone else.

But now I have to go back. Somewhere into the tangles of the southern sun, pines and salt. Somewhere warm and sleepy. To try to find the life that I was supposed to live. I obviously can’t live the one i wanted to live… I suck at constructing lives, so why do i bother?

Wake up brother, comrade, they run up the colours…

I can’t wake up. From inertia. I just can’t, even if a war is blasting inside my mind. I remain more than uninvolved. Watching from a distance how things fall into places, how sounds melt into noise, how people sink into a crowd, how i sink into another little block of ice. Always detached. Always out of place, remember?

Dragging my feet to meet another little crowd, another little life i don’t particularly want to live. I need a copy of a book. And my colleague has it. And he said he wouldn’t mind waiting for me till 8. I felt better for a second. I wish we were friends, this colleague of mine and I. I wish we were. But we are not. i remained detached. Just like i always were… behind the screens, in my ice cube, in my arrogance, in my defeat, in my pointless little victories, in my loves, in my lives, in my little deaths…Always detached. Things always happened somewhere other than here. Except with you.

Wake up! The millions of me are screaming permanently inside my head – Wake up! You still need to be a friend, a colleague, a daughter, a student. You have many other lives to live. Wake up!

Wake up! Millions of persons inside me scream at me from the mirrors of my own inertia. I am a million people at once – a lover, a girl, a friend, a daughter, a colleague, a student, a girl next door, a girl in the tram, a passer by, a customer, a this and that. I am a million and I am nothing at the moment. Wake up! there are lives to be lived. Wake up!

Oh, no, I won’t. I won’t. Not today. I’ll have to go fake I’m alive. Okay. I can do that. I always could. i always came alive to be more than uninvolved. except with you. And you see how this came to pass. Yes, i can fake another little life, how hard can it be? Things always happen somewhere else…

Never here.

and always to someone else…

not to me.

Today is a really bad day. Everything falls apart, crumbles into pieces, falls like snowflakes – on my hair, on my skin, into my eyes, into my heart… breaks and falls. collapses in onto itself. Remember the first time I said I love you? Probably you don’t anymore. I remember you fleeting through my life – leaving one gash open with every word. I was happy, even when I wasn’t, because I trusted that you made all the difference in the world. And you did. You left so much room for hope. I had no doubt in my mind, that one day it will just be fine. Even in the darkest, most lousy moments it was fine. Cause you never made me feel like bad is the only conclusion to our story.

It was devastating to learn that to you it was, that to you I was. And where to now? My life hasn’t really happened without you even if everyone would disagree. Everything in my life happened with you, somewhere in the back of each step, each blink of the eye, each flutter of the heart, each morning, each night, each meal, and each time i tied my laces. Just like that. What will i do now with the rings, the dresses, the letters, the pictures? Burn it in a pile in a vain attempt to forget? It doesn’t work this way. I’ve got to let it end. No, I don’t have to let it anything. You chose it to end. Maybe I made mistakes. Everyone does. I apologised, but it means nothing. Maybe someday? Never. Never again.

I want to drink whiskey from a tea cup. I want to sleep right through this time. To us Someday will never come again. The beautiful dreams and thoughts will not return. There are no possibilities, no open ends, no endings, no closures. Just a dot at the end of the book, leaving more questions than answers. Questions that I can’t answer alone now, just like i couldn’t before. I will never have an answer to these questions. Just like it’ll never happen to us that we’ll run into each other. We won’t. And all the other people in my life are leaving too. And we will never run into each other again either. Everybody leaves. What will I do with all my pictures of you? What will i do with all my memories of you?

It breaks my heart to know that never really means never. I will never know what became of you. ANd you won’t either. Just like that.  It will be just like you never happened, and I never happened. We passed through each other’s life, leaving no traces. Except for dresses I won’t wear, pictures I can’t seem to be able to look at, letters i can’t read, and memories I can’t seem to tear myself apart from. I can’t even cry, cause I never saw you leave this life of mine. Just a couple of words. And the messages that I know you don’t read. I can’t even cry cause if i did, then it’d be more real. It’d be…for real. This way i can at least pretend that at some point or other…something will change. You’ll appear from somewhere, and it’d be like you never left. I would give anything in the world for this to happen. But it won’t happen. Cause I am way too far from you. It’s not like some day you’ll think of dropping by. Not in these circumstances. In these circumstances we can’t…Nothing is okay. Nothing is right. I can’t even cry, cause I can’t accept that here it ends. Just like that. I can’t eat, sleep or think. I just want to drown myself in a tea cup, become so small and sleep in my socks drawer, turn into something imperceptibly small and disappear from here.

I feel like everything ended. I never worked for anything as much as i did for this. I never considered anyone to be worth the bother. Not as much as this. All other people I could just keep far away from me, friends boyfriends whatevers. I could just forget. All the bad memories i could somehow block and forget. I forgot and continued when my best friend was in a coma in a hospital and i sat there and couldn’t hold her hand because she nearly cut it off, i forgot and picked myself up when my other friend left and when he called me to ttell me she was almost dead when he found her, i forgot the mindblowing panic when i lived alone and he followed me around, i forgot the way it felt when he tore my shirt open and held me pressed against the wall, i forgot it all. And continued. Just like that. Like it never happened. Like it never…

But i can’t forget you. I can’t forget this. i can’t explain… Maybe it is for the better that it ends here and now. Maybe it is for the best. But it didn’t end. In my head. in my heart. You didn’t walk out of my life. You didn’t. You are still there. In my head and heart. As much as you ever were…as much as you never were in all the days i lived…In all those days I waited. Permanently waited. for those few that we could share. Cause i didn’t live them. I didn’t care enough to live them. Because i chose you. And it was worth the bother.

Maybe I should keep up appearances cause i can keep them ever so well. But i don’t want to keep them. I don’t want to…

I need to understand. I need to force myself to understand, to accept it. I just want to become infinitely small and be unseen. Remain a pile of collected ragged laughs, faces cut out to match every single second, a pile of rubbery words and a couple of feeble hugs. I want you to not delete all my photos from your computer. Even if i know you will.

I know you will. Just like somewhere deep down I know i won’t.

cause i clutch on those few people I loved. even if i let myself fade to them, like letters in a book that remained opened in the rain, cause you didn’t care enough to take it with you. just like old photos fade away. just like everything fades away… to unidentifiable white. i clutch to you. cause it takes me more than you ever knew…it doesn’t matter.

I want to drown myself in your tea cup. which you never took with you. although i bought it for you.

i don’t feel like anything. and i feel everything. and everything is ugly.

Σε είδα σε ένα καθρέφτη μαγικό.

I still see you. To me you never walked out of this room, out of this life, out of this moment.And therein lies the sorrow. Cause how can it end, when I only expected it to begin? just like you did. just like you did.

how can it end? how can the X mark the end in our case? how can it even…

To us Someday will never come. And after all this, we deserved at least “Maybe Someday”… But now it’s never to happen.

And I wish you remembered the first time i said i loved you. and i wish you to remember someday the last time i said it too.

I just wish you not to forget. Cause i hate it that after all we’ve been through, there’s only a couple of things to look at… like we never existed, you and i. not to each other, not to anyone.

it’s just…

i can’t cry. not yet. hope dies last. but dies nonetheless… i know. i know. deep down i know.

everything ends.

Every ending is a start in a wayward order... the voice crawls out of my laptop.

Oh no, not to us… i finish inside my head and feel everything inside me burn with white blaring sorrow. but i can’t cry. Not yet. not just yet.

_I drink whiskey from a tea cup…the one i bought for you and you never wanted to take with you_

so be it.

I’ll learn to accept it. someday. this someday will come, i hope. *chokes*